I have suffered from depression and anxiety most of my life. When I was younger, alcohol helped silence the voice that said, the world would be better off without you. Consequently, I became a semi-pro drinker. I couldn't do much without a little help from my friend...couldn't converse with people, couldn't feel confident, sexy or beautiful, couldn't have sex, couldn't have fun, couldn't be alone...without the aid of a little, or a lottle, liquid courage. The problem with depression, is that alcohol makes it worse, and that voice, she only gets louder and more self deprecating each time you wake up hungover. Eventually, to coin a phrase, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I went to counseling, started meditating, exercising, reading, writing and soon, I no longer wanted to drive my car head-on into the on coming tractor trailer barreling down highway 29. I was happy for awhile.
Fast forward fourteen years and I'm firmly in the grip of depression and anxiety once again. It came disguised as exhaustion and apathy, but deep down, I think I knew. Of course I knew. It's been building for years. It's much worse this time, too. Add menopausal hormones to genetically predisposed depression and you get an unbelievable soul crushing feeling accompanied by that old familiar voice, and all of her dysfunctional friends. I don't drink anymore, so I have to find other ways to drown her out. Writing is my go-to, but sometimes it takes me all day to write something that should take thirty minutes. Thank you menopause for the difficulty concentrating and the lapses in memory. Most days I feel like I'm falling apart. It's hard. It makes it harder that no one understands. My family doesn't believe in depression.
I long to return to the past, to rewind fourteen years and feel happy again. If you are a naturally happy person, count your blessings! For people like me and others (you know who you are), it takes work, especially when you are in the anaconda like grip of Debbie Downer, or when the menopause mallet is pummeling your good mood like a Whack-A-Mole carnival game. A very dear old friend sent me a reminder yesterday...
When the world crumbles around you, you have to look at the wreckage
and then build a new one out of all the pieces that are still here.
Remember, you are still here. ~Rudy Francisco
So, hand me a hammer and some nails. Life and Menopause are bitches, and I hate them both right now, but depressed or not, I'm still here.
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